Friday, January 31, 2014

THREE BASIC PRINCIPLES

Keep the vows you have taken.


These can be vows of becoming and staying Buddhist, or they can be vows of marriage or commitment. They can be vows of non-violence. They can be vows of chastity, or if you are a religious person, vows of poverty, simplicity, obedience. They can be vows of upholding the laws of the country you are protecting. They can be vows of Light. Take seriously what you have agreed to take on and keep to it. Whatever it may be.


Refrain from outrageous conduct.


This doesn't mean cut your creative expression of individuality. It doesn't mean throw out the neon yellow and pink high-tops or cut your hair in a conservative style. It does mean that when you are in the world, being compassionate, helping out "others", that you don't create further separateness between yourself and those "others". They are us and we are them, inseparable. Don't become the flashy "hero" with all the press who rescues the "victims". Go deeper into the situations and step forward to examining what is going on from all angles. (When we help others, it is ourselves we are helping. It is ourselves who ultimately benefit.) Politicians often make a huge deal about the deals they have "cut"--spotlighting themselves as the saviors in the emergency situation. Looking deeper, we can see how that spotlight is the real reason help was given--not out of true commitment and compassion, but to accelerate the public persona of the politico. We need to be unafraid to put the lens of self-knowledge and self-examination (gently)on ourselves to understand what we are really doing--then, to use that knowledge to balance ourselves. To learn to truly "see" whom we are reaching out to, and why, and what needs to be done, without the hoopla of public thanks. Not so easy, this, since we have been taught, as Americans, that being a "hero" means lots of publicity and that only by seeing our name in the press validates our work. What is behind that? What needs in ourselves are being fulfilled by that? What does it do to the "victims"? How do they see themselves in such a situation?


Finally: Cultivate patience.


My personal beast. Especially hard when one is stressed out on every side. When one's entire world has collapsed, changed, thrown one into the middle of a storm without any of the supplies or rescue equipment or supporting cast one has relied upon for decades--how to handle being a refugee (as Pema Chodron has termed it) in such a life-situation? How not to snap back? How not to yell a retort into the face that comes at you out of nowhere, yelling? How not to become angry and defensive when the first thing out of someone you are supposed to be able to trust is criticism or demand with no gentleness, no good nature? How to move through the mind's "understanding of their situation" but weather the immediate slap they deliver to one's face or nature? How to not become "the victim" or "the enemy" when the other person approaches with aggression, upset, misunderstanding and distrust? Learning the special kind of patience which slows things down is what is needed to be cultivated. It doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen in the next instant. It comes through the breathing, the blessing, the letting go. It comes through knowing one is a refugee without a safe platform from which to operate. It comes through falling into the darkness, knowing there is yelling, anger, pain, frustration, and lots and lots of fear--it just is--but not flinching from it. Accepting it and falling through it; breathing through it. Coming out the other side.


Three basic principles to consider for a healthier existence on this planet of chaos and light.


(Man, do I have a lot of homework to do!)     

Saturday, January 25, 2014

ALL DHARMA AGREES AT ONE POINT

All dharma agrees at one point.


All teachings, all practices agree at one point.


Loving kindness; the soft spot of the heart, the bodhichitta, is in everyone; it is in ourselves.


What is the difference between seeing (and studying and pondering) that harm has been done (to ourselves, to others) and blaming?


How not to simply swallow the self-righteous finger-pointing and harsh criticism(the sermons) delivered in public, by people who, themselves, should take a moment and follow their own directions?


How not to be a wuss, and yet, to also awaken that bodhichitta? To enlarge and unencumber that soft-spot? (How to recognize it in others, as well as ourselves?) Not to give up on others, even when they are most hurtful? (Most critical?) Most blaming?


How not to rely on even those we love, to take "our side" and to honestly "see our point" or "stand up for us? 


How to stand up and be present for our own hearts? (How not to be a wuss, yet still, to be a student of Buddhism?)


Perhaps it is to recognize and be willing to see that "them" is "us".


We all play both roles.
We cause and feel suffering. We long for peace and beauty but we fall apart at lack of control; we become irritated and exhausted and angry when "life" (suffering) interrupts our practice; our meditation; our best thoughts.


The teachers tell us: this is the grand design. It is in these moments that we can wake up to the possibility. We can practice this breathing; this prayer; this blessing of others and ourselves; this tonglen meditation.


ALL paths, all dharma, all teachings, all difficulties, all unwanted suffering, all unplanned disasters and fearful experiences lead us forward. (Slowly or on the fast track, everything is the material of Enlightenment.)


Even when we fuck up--or when others, around us, fuck us up--or fuck everything around them. Even then. (Especially then.)


How can I examine (and make friends with) my own feelings of pain? Of outrage? Of anger? Of fear and frustration? How can I then learn to unravel those emotions--my own and those swirling around me? (Not me vs. them, but me AND them...)


Breathe in those raw feelings. (My own; others.) Breathe out relief; forgiveness; blessings. Do this enough, in every situation, it will change.
I will change.


Tonight, I write as an angry student of Buddhism, with a Beginner's Mind, caught in the vortex of family emergency and drama, held together only by breath.


One breath at a time.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

ANOTHER STAB AT "ONE INTENTION"--part two

Another way to approach "all activities should be done with one intention", according to Pema Chodron, is to think of doing everything with the idea of awakening one's heart.  If one's heart begins to wake up, one's compassion begins to encircle everything. More importantly, it begins to enfold everyone--including one's own self. Does this make you "a wuss"?  I don't think so. In fact, my guess is that you become a compassionate warrior--someone whose fight is aimed at the biggest enemy of all: ignorance. (Being asleep and unaware. Hating anything that scares you--including one's own judgments of self; one's own inadequacies.)  To wake up and face those demons is to truly become  brave.


I think that the significant difference is in the approach. A warrior of the heart approaches things with toughness, but with gentleness. (Think of the practice of T'ai Chi. Done slowly, as it is most often seen performed, it is a flowing dance of harmony and balance. However, in truth, it is a deadly martial art, taught as a lifelong exercise which enables even the most sleight person self-defense. (Speeded up, T'ai Chi is anything but "wussy".) T'ai Chi masters are some of the toughest people in the world. You don't mess with them.) So, too, becoming awake in one's heart strengthens one. Compassion is so powerful, it changes everything around us, while also changing US.


What is the practical approach, then, to accomplishing this change? How does it manifest in our daily lives?  Chodron suggests that substituting the words "one intention" for "communication" might help. That is, do everything in a mindful and awake way, with the idea of communicating with others. Speak in such a way that the other guy (or woman) can actually hear you--is willing to listen to what you are saying. Don't pick a fight--nor continue an argument just to make a point. (The earplugs go in when that occurs.) Look and listen. Really LOOK at the other person. Really LISTEN. You don't (I don't) always have to have something to say back to that person. It isn't a tennis match.


Chodron suggests we practice being able to stay in the awkward moment of not knowing exactly what to say or what to do. Feeling irritated is a red flag that we need to stop and pay attention to the listening aspect of the conversation. Just stop. Listen. Breathe. This is a huge thing and hugely difficult. No wussiness here. (I think of everyday, almost every hour, how my mother hits every guilt and "we are polar opposites" button I have...arrrrgh! It is exactly the biggest challenge I can face-- learning how not to react in a hopeless, resentful manner. Learning to not react by falling into the argument nor blaming her nor shutting down to her. Man, what a challenge! Pema would probably say: "What an opportunity!" Stay awake. Don't shut down. Don't respond in a closed way. Keep your heart open. Watch. Listen. Breathe.) Stay present but don't engage in mindless action.


This is so difficult! To face these situations where one actually lives! Ongoing. Relentless. On all sides. Just to realize that communication intention means looking for the kindness in the situation and being willing to stay in the uncomfortable (or painful) realization that one might not know what to do. Nor,what to say. Not to run away because of the awkwardness. Not to run away from the irritation. Not to run away from the hurt. (My own or the other person's). Not to retaliate out of frustration or upset. OMG!


When we condense this down, it is mind-blowing. When we practice it mindfully, in every waking moment, in every situation, it becomes the most intense heart-warrior training there is. Is it possible to do? Well, since there is also the teaching of abandoning hope of fruition, perhaps.


Breathe.
Listen.
Watch.
Stay open.
Then, breathe again.


   

Monday, January 13, 2014

ONE INTENTION ?

"All activities should be done with one intention."
                                                                               Pema Chodron
                                                                 START WHERE YOU ARE


One intention?
C'mon!
As an American, I have been taught to successfully "multi-program" since birth.
Everything I do I do while I am doing something else: brushing my teeth and listening to the morning CNN report with one eye on my computer screen's e-mails; cooking dinner while listening to a friend's daily plightdrama and making sure the music is still streaming behind us but won't drown out the front doorbell; riding in a car with headphones, still part of the in-car conversations going on around me, magazine in my lap, cellphone in my lap, while checking out the billboards we are passing and checking the sky for snowflakes; brushing the dog while having a conversation with my sister and watching "American Horror Story" on cable...the list is endless.


Perhaps the only thing I do with a single intention is to write...no, wait a minute...that isn't true...these days I am listening for the constant calls and questions of my parents--outside my bedroom door, downstairs, in the attic, in the cellar, etc. Or, I am aware of any sudden silence in the house--or the dog's interruptions--or outside neighbors gunning their motorcycles or screaming to a  halt in the driveway, blasting hip-hop for their buddies in the next door apartment house... Even writing has become a multi-programmed "event".


So what IS "one intention"? Why is it important? How does it define our meditation attempts? Our lives? Is it necessary? Who defined it, anyway? Will it make me happier? More successful? Will it add anything to the world?


Chodron, the Tibetan Buddhist nun from Nova Scotia, talks about One Intention as simply "waking up". Whatever we are doing, be it eating lunch, walking the dog, buying a newspaper, drinking a bottle of water, we can do it with that one intention.


So, what are we "waking up" to?
I guess the answer is compassion. Breathing in pain and suffering. Breathing out blessings and joy.
Letting go of our fear of pain and watching where it takes us; how it makes us feel physically and emotionally and mentally. Then, letting it go. Same with our joy. Waking up to how it makes us feel; react; create a story of hope; then, letting it go. Waking up to what is really going on for us--not the story-line we tell to make sense to ourselves, or give ourselves false (and fleeting comfort), but the way the world truly presents itself. Then, to examine and observe and appreciate that, even if we can't "figure it out", the world is exactly as it was designed to be. And it is us. Exactly as we are in this moment.


No other moment exists. Wake up. Memory is a dream we created. It doesn't exist anymore. Wake up. Past emotions are exactly that. Wake up. Don't dwell on personal victory--seek victory for all, using our common compassionate hearts. Wake up. Don't dwell on right and wrong and who is evil and who is good. Wake up to the fact that we are all each other and have both sides. By focusing on our compassionate heart, we will be constantly coming from the Highest Good. Wake up to that compassion. Let go all else as illusionary; transient. If someone "succeeds", we all succeed. If someone suffers, we all suffer.


Of course, like everything else in Buddhism, this is a deep riddle at the center of concrete action in a philosophy which seems to preach stillness; inaction.


"One intention."
Compassionate heart in everyone.
Coming from non-judgment and being open to everything--to all--and just hearing. Just witnessing. Without judgment. Breathing in the pain. Breathing out the blessing. Breathing and knowing the definition of life is suffering.(But not running from that fact.) Coming closer to that fact and breathing it in--then sending compassion and blessings out into the world as we see it. Acting from a place that is not solid nor steady. Unsure in that space between breaths. Just for a moment. Withholding our judgments in hopes of seeing all sides. Experiencing everything--if only for that moment. Then, even letting that go. (I suppose the Dali Lama would say that the One Intention is Kindness.)


As an American brought up in a Catholic household, this is probably the most difficult path to ponder. I have been taught to "never give up anything". To own my entire "lifestory" and to constantly feel guilty about all my faults. Transgressions were as dear as gifts; one's gifts were never spoken of, lest someone become jealous, or become "too big for their britches". (Yes, many of us did grow up in that past century, where such lessons were drilled into our little psyches. It is true.)


On the other hand, the Catholic Church never could reconcile that, while we were constantly focusing on our "lacks" and "sins" and how Hell was always looming just outside the door, Jesus had come already; through His sacrifice and suffering, saved us. (A done deal!) Forever and ever. Amen.


(Questioning priests, all through my life--even while attending college--never got me anywhere. Perhaps it was because I was female? Perhaps, because what I asked seemed too close to being unanswerable under the Party Line? Perhaps, because those priests were asking the same sorts of questions...to themselves...?)




So, at the very least, I need some sort of guide to acting in a Better Way, right here, now. I need some sort of counter-programming, to help me with everyday issues like impatience, varying degrees of self-esteem--usually tied with romantic interludes and job success-- addictions, neuroses, low-level twenty-first century depression, war, violence, poverty, AIDS, etc. Childhood religious ed. never prepared me along these lines. The nuns have vanished from my life. The priests were never helpful. The Pope is imaginary and absent -- a big question mark with a sketchy historical past. So, so, so, where to look, right now?




Right now. Where I am. In this moment.
Can I risk that?
Is there a map? Guides? Other people asking the same questions and moving forward? Is finding the key to a compassionate life sacrilegious? Does it aid the world if I am a kinder human being? (What have I got to lose, except guilt?)




If we can do this, once, twice, ongoing, we can help each other to Enlightenment--we can truly go beyond "suffering". (Just breathe and let go.)
This, too, is Empty.    

Thursday, January 9, 2014

ABANDON POISONOUS FOOD

Now, anyone who knows the bio notes of the Buddha knows that Buddha died from eating spoiled food that someone had given him. It was not an intentional poisoning. A person offering what they had, to the Buddha, inadvertently filled the bowl with bad grub. The Buddha, being "the Buddha", realized what had been put in front of him. However, not wanting to embarrass nor hurt the feelings of the person, accepted the offering and ate it.


He ate it and died. Kaput.


Of course, he knew what would happen--he was "the Buddha".
However, being "the Buddha", he trusted impermanence. He also lived the truth of "no harm to sentient beings"--extending this to hurting the feelings of an aspirant who had offered the meal. Basically, Buddha knew it was time to leave this dramarama. So, surrounded by his followers, he laid down and died.


No one held a grudge about the bad offering. (At least no one writes about this in any text I've read nor speaks about it in any talk I've attended.) No one was lynched for offing the Buddha. His followers were very heart-broken, but they did not seek retribution. They didn't run amok in the village, overturning ox-carts nor burning structures. They didn't shoot arrows at passers-by and they didn't rape nor pillage. They mourned. They followed the set funerary practices. And then,they took the teachings to the ends of the earth and continued their own study; their own practice.


So, it makes sense that one of the meditation slogans that Pema Chodron suggests is: "abandon poisonous food". Hah!  However, I think she was pointing to deeper meaning for all of us living in these times. "Poisonous food" can also be "food for thought". It can be how we fill our brain when we don't want to deal with pain. (Or guilt. Or self-criticism. Or depression.) "Poisonous food" can also be how we spread gossip about others to "feed" our own starving lack of self-worth--breaking down their reputations to feel more "equal" in our own wounded hearts.


"Poisonous food" is anything we put inside ourselves in an unhealthy degree. It can (obviously) be alcohol or drugs in excess. It can be Twinkies and hotdogs. It can be smoothies or enemas or wheatgrass juice with a shot of vitamin E. Anything which is an attempt to blunt our emotions or keep us momentarily "numb". I don't even mean numb to pain--I mean, numb to what is really going on inside our heads. Our hearts. Anything that distracts us from just being in the authentic moment.

Sort of like, if you are doing some radical new diet to prolong "youth" and so wrapped up in the details and regimen of the diet that you become obnoxious to everyone around you--hog the kitchen and the bathroom--can't hear anyone who is speaking about anything beyond this quest and won't listen to anyone except if they speak to you about this lifestyle--you aren't truly experiencing "authentic life". You aren't prolonging anything but fantasy. You are buying into the fear of impermanence; the terror of the natural way of the world.


So, what begins as a step towards good health, becomes a momentary obsession. It becomes a distraction. It becomes its own poisonous craving. It doesn't help you understand (examine) the underlying fear of death we all hold. It doesn't help you honestly understand (and accept) your own aging self.  It makes you crazed. It ends up reinforcing your own feelings of failure. Inadequacy reigns in your heart--just because of  "food".


Does it mean you give up and simply pig out? Don't care? No, that's repressing issues. You have to be gentle with yourself. You have to just sit still for a moment. Breathe in and breathe out. FEEL the emotions that are propelling you towards the poison. Don't ignore those feelings--but also--don't act them out. Choose the middle path. Examine, process, note that they are there. Watch them. Let them go. On the out-breaths. Move on to the next authentic moment. Do the same. Then, the poison food is not ingested. You ARE healthier. You are wiser.

Again, this sounds so simple. Yet, it felled the Buddha. (For different reasons, perhaps. But it was lethal, nonetheless.) Avoid anything which impacts negatively on your already-perfect selfhood. Anything which pulls your attention away from the moment of feeling that could be the doorway to Enlightenment.


How can we recognize which moment that might be? Well, that's another conundrum...safe to guess that ANY MOMENT can be that moment, if we remain open to it. Really examining, feeling, considering, allowing everything into our heart in that second. Easily summed up, but terrifically difficult to achieve. Thus the continuing practice of practice.


Namaste, my friends. Don't eat no poison tonight!

Monday, January 6, 2014

ABANDON ANY HOPE OF FRUITION

From the nineteenth century Tibetan teacher, Jamgon Kongtrul the Great, via Pema Chodron, twenty-first century Buddhist nun, the slogan: "Abandon any hope of fruition" is passed down to me.
This comes as a sharp slap to the forehead as well as a deep sigh on the out-breath. Abandon any hope of fruition? Whaaaaaa?????

For someone like me, who avoids The New York Times Book Review for months, just because reading it is an arrow in the heart of all I haven't accomplished with my own writing, this idea is quite radical.

As Americans, we thrive on "hope". Our greatest poets give it wings. Our childhoods are puffed up with the ideas of "hope"--escape, softness, victory, a good and long and happy life beyond. We are taught to "hope" for these things--nay, to EXPECT that these things come to all of us, if we only...if we only...if we only... (Therein is the rub.)

If we only are good enough...try hard enough...dream steadily enough...are strong enough or pretty enough or thin enough or muscley enough or smart enough or rich enough or are funny enough or are blessed enough or are magic enough or talented enough or....
What we are never taught in America is that we already are enough. Just as we arrive.

 Nothing needs to be added nor subtracted. We already contain enough to use this life up, fully. Completely. Successfully. (Since everything is truly "a dream" and 'insubstantial", adding or subtracting anything is merely fluff.  Take away fluff from fluff and what do you get?  Add fluff to fluff and what do you get?  Nothing really is transformed or radically altered. Only a shape.) Perhaps.

Hoping for fruition is ridiculous because, even after we "get" the results we had longed for, that feeling doesn't remain. It is never "enough". It is always disappointing. Fleeting. Once attained, we often feel that "now we have to go on to the next level"...Like all addictive behavior, the rewards are illusory. The scars, though, they do seem more concrete. Their staying power outlasts the moment of satisfaction we might attain in pursuit of our goals.

So, I guess the idea is to realize that, a.) WE ARE, and that is enough, in itself. We just need to realize this and relax and enjoy where the dream is going.  b.) Fruition is another illusion and never really attainable--or, if attained, doesn't ever hold the promised reward we dreamed about.  c.) constant hope for fruition causes suffering and sadness--causes us to feel defeated, depressed and disconsolate. It also makes us miss the chances for authentic connection--because we are too busy weighing-in and competing. We are too worried about "victory" and "defeat".

We are too worried about separate goals, not realizing all has already been attained. (If you "win", then I win. If you invent something marvelous, I invent something marvelous.) There is no separation. Like individual cells in a body working together for all of our collective benefit, we all are affecting each other; sharing in each other's work and accomplishments--or failures. If it happens to you, inevitably, it has happened to me.

As a writer, if Annie Proulx has written "Brokeback Mountain", I don't have to. I can learn from, relish and pass on the lessons of that snapshot of America. I go on to focus on my contribution--my writing--adding what is my work to the completed portrait. Not because I hope for fruition and fame, but because it is who I am and what I do and I just do it. Wonderful if what I write is as moving or authentic. Wonderful the lessons I learn as I write. Wonderful if what I pen can offer hope or help to others. I just am who I am and contribute my best self where I can. Breathe. Relax. Be.

Yeah, it is better to have food than to die of starvation. It is better to have a home than to freeze on the street. But is it better to write a book which helps change the world for the good or is it better to hope to win the Nobel Prize for Literature and secure one's fame? We must work without expectation of reward--for the good of the work, itself. And because work, in itself, is good for our development and enrichment. There is no stop point to this. Fruition will take care of itself. Hoping for its arrival sort of defeats the purpose.

(Working for work's sake--not out of guilt or fear of a moment's silence or reflection or fear of being judged as lazy, by one's peers (parents)--but for the joy inherent in honest effort--that is, I think, what it means about abandoning hope of fruition.)

Abandoning jealousy.
Abandoning fear of failure.
Abandoning self-loathing.
Abandoning self-criticism.
Abandoning self-hate.
Abandoning constant competition.
Abandoning constant judgment of others.
Abandoning feelings of separation.
Abandoning defeat.

So simple, it sounds. So difficult to do. (Honestly.) That is why these attempts, this working life, will never be fully realized if we hope for fruition. Fruition would mean the end of Enlightenment. It would be a finish to our continuing development in the Universe.

So, we undertake one step at a time, from wherever we are. Begin. Breathe. Knowing there is never going to be an end to this journey. We just start.