DON'T ACT WITH A TWIST

Okay, you manage to stop yourself from hollering at some jerk who is cutting in front of you at the market. Or, you don't lay on your horn when you lose the closer parking space in the lot in a rainstorm. Or you bite your tongue when criticized...however, does this make the other person look like more of a jerk? Do you get instantaneous public merit for being the Good Guy--while, at the same time, making the other person look like the Bad Guy?  Are you consciously setting this game in motion?  Hmmmm...


Buddhist practice is simple but it ain't easy.
It calls on us to examine every motive, every action, every activity and thought. It calls us on our crap--period. If we are consciously making someone "less than", however we are doing it, it's not cool. We have to own it. Work on changing it. Lojong doesn't work if we are hurting the person we are supposedly trying to heal. Being devious in this way is like covering our tracks. For those of you old enough to remember "Leave It To Beaver", on t.v., it's like being Eddie Haskell.



If we are unconsciously doing this--or it becomes suddenly brought to our attention that we have done this by accident or awkwardness or just being dumb--it is on us to correct this "twist". Being perfect isn't what we are striving for. Having other people think we are perfect is also false. Being aware--and working from that place of awareness--that's what it is about.




As a writer, I have to be especially clear when I'm writing about people and situations I find myself living. Going for the laughs, or the tears, or simply to move the plotline around, is part of my craft. However, if that hurts innocent people, it isn't all right. (At least if I'm trying to practice Buddhist philosophy.) Now, we can't please all people all the time. And sometimes folks misread what has been written, or interpret text from their own biased perspective. In that situation, all I can do is to try to hear them out, explain things from my side and apologize if they take offense. Then, I can honestly assess: am I writing with a devious "twist"?  Am I being clean-hearted; writing from my own perspective, and owning this?  Am I causing unnecessary pain?
 


Perhaps this will make me less "effective" as a writer--or less commercial. However, in this journey I'm trying to take, on this path I'm following, being "a writer" is as much an illusion as any other dream. Far more important to keep to the path of Kindness. At least becoming aware of the effects I'm having on the people around me; making sure my motivation matches my activity.


The sole purpose of sharing these lojong posts is to share my adventures as an American artist and educator, trying to follow Buddhist philosophy as I experience it in daily life. I own this is my interpretation of far greater teachers than myself. (I'm coming from Beginner's Mind, and hoping there is some value in this.) As other teachers have written (or said), part of the deal of walking this path is sharing the journey with others. This is my best way to share.




Simple. But not easy.     

PLAYING WITHOUT KEEPING SCORE

Correcting all wrongs with one intention is a slogan in Buddhist practice that basically comes down to this: put yourself in the other person's sneakers. (If they aren't wearing any, then, just stand in their place for a while...) All wrongs can be fixed with this action. For reals.


Pema Chodron, teacher, points out that we are ALL different. Different rules, cultures, tastes and even moralities. Soooooo....what may seem like a logical solution to a problem for one person may be the rudest wrong answer for the other. How to avoid this mix-up? How to not add to the pain?


Well, first you have to see the person in front of you. Actually look at them--into them--around them--and SEE. Not what you want to see, or fantasize about already seeing, but really really really look at them and see them for who they are right at this moment in their history. Then, you have to really really really LISTEN. Not just to respond, either. But, just to listen. To witness. To be present for what is being said. (Or unsaid.) Then, instead of immediately offering OUR SOLUTION or our response to what we would do to handle the issues...wait.  Breathe. Be with that person. If asked for our opinions, then, maybe offer something but acknowledge that it is just feedback. No expectations. No "if you are smart you will take my advice"...no "if you truly respect and love me you will take my advice"...no "if you want help down the line with other problems, you will take what I'm giving right now, to prove your worthiness of my aid"...Nada.  Just, there, with them. To hear them out. To see their pain. To love them unconditionally, on a level that isn't about "fixing" anything.


How is this healing?
How is this helpful?
Well, you can ask if they want help and then be willing to offer what is requested.
Or, you can acknowledge that you don't know what to do...which is awkward, but honest, and makes the other person at least feel listened to. Seen. Honestly seen. Less alone. Less afraid. Less judged.
It gives the other person a moment to breathe, too. Some space. Some comradeship. To communicate and to share--because communication, sharing, playing and working together in spite of our differences changes everything. Everyone--for the better.


What if we all could just play without keeping score?


Hmmmm....     

REMAIN NATURAL

A  lojong slogan reminds us to "Change our attitude but remain natural".


This does not mean running around, naked.


This does mean: don't try to problem solve, with a set resolution determining success or failure.


Don't buy into the "duality" of issues--an us vs. them solution. (Even if the us vs. them is a problem of bringing "help" to the "them".)  Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron, suggests that even in that scenario, we are creating a haves vs. have- nots situation. We are seeing (and acting as if) ourselves are different, and separate from the others. (We ARE the others...ultimately...) It creates a hierarchy which creates pain--the very thing we may be trying to alleviate.


This is where the breathing in and out, through tonglen practice, creates another alternative. (Not a solution...an alternative way of learning through the issue--of learning about ourselves, our neighbors and our Reality...)
By not pushing away at the pain, but drawing the suffering feelings closer--actually breathing them in--we can analyze, come to understand on a deeper level, and then breathe out transformed blessings to alleviate the pain. Chodron uses the metaphor of a divine dance with oneself. Instead of running from that which is unpleasant and ugly, we take it in,closer, watch it, move with it, learn from it, then send out something beautiful (on the outbreath) to heal. In this way, we aren't simply pushing the "bad" down and bearing it into the future--we are transforming it on a metaphysical level.


We are learning that all parts of the ugliness and fear and suffering we contain within ourselves is what we see mirrored in "the ugly other", outside ourselves--and we begin to understand that it is all the same thing.


All One.


By knowing ourselves so deeply; by being willing to experience even the unloveable sides of our own hidden secrets; we can come to accept and to work with our shadows. To be unafraid of those unlovely corners we used to fear. Then, when we see those monsters lurking outside, we are unafraid of them,there, too, because we know them. We have confronted them. We have pulled them close and danced with them. We understand them and can face them, without turning away.


By relaxing about the "bad" and being willing to stay with it, look at it, feel it, transform it on a fundamental level (to own it first, inside ourselves, and deal with it, inside ourselves, compassionately and tenderly, inside), we can then work to deal with it outside ourselves. Without trepidation or judgment. Without resentment, frustration or burn-out. Just learning. Then, transformation without expectation.


Freedom. Space. True and lasting change. No more duality in reality.
No more "other".  All one.
(All One.)


This is the  kind of natural transformation that is possible, over time. This is how we can move toward Enlightened life and to help with the creation (actively) of an Enlightened world. We create, we take and we use the space that already exists, inside us, to relax. Not to look for enemies to win battles over, but to find ourselves in those enemies.To transform ourselves AND those "enemies" into friends. To use our fundamental power of breathing, mindfully. To use our birthright of breath, the most natural part of ourselves.


To transform the world by blessing the world.


(What a concept!)
   

SENDING AND TAKING: begin here

The Lojong slogans suggest that the practice of sending out kindness, healing, light, peace, happiness, etc. begins where you begin. With yourself. (On the sofa. Behind the wheel. In line at the grocery store. In the shower. On your butt,meditating, even for the first time.)  So too, the taking in of all that is ugly, painful, messy, smelly and unloveable: begin where you stand/sit. Now.( Not later. Not after dinner. Not before bed. Not when you get home from the gym.) Now. On the spot.




Using your breath as the pathway, just begin. In breath: take in the bad stuff--the ripe stuff--the stuff you are most embarrassed by in yourself. Choose one trait, quality or circumstance  you wish you didn't have to deal with. Breathe it in. Remember how it felt; examine the details; really look at the you of you as you engage in that noxious behavior. (It might be losing your cool over something unimportant; it might be raging against Society; it might be hating the person who demands you take out the trash at this second! It might be eating that piece of cheesecake at 2 a.m. or drinking the last half-glass of wine in the bottle...or rolling that extra big blunt before anyone noticed...) Any addictive behavior you haven't been able to snap; any aggressive actions you couldn't control; anything negative or hateful in yourself--just, for a moment, on the in-breath, take it in.




The trick is not to hold it and push it down, unexamined, away, hidden. That strategy can cause all sorts of serious consequences--maybe even cancer! (No place for repression in Buddhist strategy! )Bringing to light all things is where we begin. So, after  you "take it in" (visualize it and breathe in), then, let it go.




Just let it go.


Breathe it out and send peace to yourself. You. The heinous, unlovable, addicted perpetrator. (Yourself.) Breathe out all peace, joy, light, happiness and healing to yourself.


 Two breaths.


In and out. Nothing held down. Nothing repressed. No lectures no expectations no promises of "change"--just an acceptance of what occurs; an examination of how it feels/felt when it occurs; and a letting go. Then, on that out-breath, a blessing: to the Unloved One. (You.)




Waiting in line to buy movie tickets. Pumping gas. During the commercials while watching t.v. Popping corn. Just breathe. (If you were into Zen, it might be a bit different. In Zen, you are supposed to be paying attention with total concentration on pumping the gas, sweeping the floor, popping the corn, etc.) But we aren't following those instructions, here. Right now, we are practicing "baby Tonglen"--first step breathing--Beginner's Mind breath.


In: all the bad stuff.
Out: blessings to the perpetrators. Healing to the hoarders of negativity: ourselves.



Later, when one makes the commitment to seriously sit and meditate, there are a few other "steps". Some more examinations of all those "monkey mind thoughts" that crop up when we are trying to pay attention to our breath...(just call them what they are: thinking...let them go off into the trees with the rest...back to sitting and watching the breath...) Then, using the Tonglen practice to extend it to others going through their own hellish experiences.




In breath: I take in all the pain of those whose lovers/spouses/partners have left them.
Out breath: I send them healing; I send them peace; I send them an end to the pain of loss.




If you practice this long enough and hard enough you get to a place of ALSO taking in the guilt and pain of those who were the  betrayers-- sending THEM a blessing for their own healing. But that's down the line. First baby-steps: heal yourself.


Why? Because, as we practice this breathing-blessing, we are doing it for our own selves. When we create kindness in the world, we create it in ourselves. When we practice peacefulness in the world, we bring peacefulness to ourselves. Science has proven that all things, all people are connected in this Web of Life, right? So, too, the practice of blessing/healing. So, heal yourself, first. Then, extend it to those you love. Continue, as you progress down the path, to those who have done you "wrong" or offer you the most "lessons" or that you downright despise! Tonglen covers us all.




Does meditation change us overnight? Does it make us better people? Does it radicalize the way we walk through the world? Will we speak more softly? Will be dress more simply? Will we give up all of our worldly attachments? Stop voting? Stop driving? Go vegetarian?




Maybe. Maybe not. Since it is a PROCESS that holds, at its center, TRANSFORMATION, things will change. (But, things are always changing.) Isn't that the point? For each practitioner, the journey will be unique. (The ancient texts promise that we all have it inside of us, already.) Perfection. Peace. Everything we need. We have just fallen asleep, or forgotten. Meditation is a way to finally wake up to this reality. To understand. Meditation is a lifelong process. It isn't about being someone you aren't. It is about accepting, loving and living inside yourself, as you really are-- awake from this dream.




Tonglen is a way of making space, to discover these facts. Of letting go of the guilt, the aggression, the judgmental qualities most of us carry, creating our own hells. It is also a way of engaging the healing power (spiritual) we all are carrying, unaware. It is a way of not getting overcome with the illusions of Evil that bombard us, everyday. It is a way of doing something that is positive, when we are feeling most lost, most scared, most negative. Using our most essential gift--our breath--as the path into that peaceful state.(Our breath, which is always accessible, which is our birthright and our clearest marker of LIFE.)


It is a way of helping ourselves, first, because, only then, can we reach out to others, unselfishly. Whole heartedly. Cleanly. Without expectations. Without the need for laurels or any kind of rewards. Without making "the other" the enemy.(Or reducing "the other" to someone "less than" ourselves...)Imagine if all teachers, all social workers, all cops, all doctors and nurses and firefighters and soldiers, all  psychiatrists and counselors, ALL LAWYERS practiced this breath-healing! What a different world it might be. (All religious, all politicos, all artists, all parents...) 




I believe this stuff, because it has begun to help me survive in unfamiliar situations and on unsteady ground. Not all at once. But, bit by bit. Constant.(Like breathing.) It has helped me slow down and pause, if only for a second, if only incompletely-- to begin to take that moment to change my reaction, just a bit. Or, to examine that feeling. Through this magnifying glass, I can begin to see how I react and why I react and choose to react in a different way. That choice begins to change me--and maybe the world--for the better.




Hey, what do I know?
The only way you will know is to try it for yourself...
(What's to lose, in line, at Wal-Mart? Eh?)    

BE GRATEFUL TO EVERYONE

When you've met your match, you've found a Teacher. The more irritated, upset, frustrated, angry and hopeless you feel towards that person, the greater the chance of finding a real Truth in yourself. Not a basic "Kumbaya" camp song truth. Not a masochistic "hit me again" truth. Not even (perhaps) a "Jesus" truth. But a Truth about your own heart: pay attention to this irritating, maddening feeling; pay attention to this person who causes to rise this feeling. This is the Truth of your own hate for yourself.


That's the Big One.
The truest Teacher is the one who holds the mirror to our faces and forces us to confront ourselves.
Not to hide behind false laurels. Not to ease into pats-on-the-back. But to honestly face the reflection of our hidden sides--the sides we secretly hate. The Fat Self. The Aging Self. The Selfish Self. The Self who secretly despises our co-workers or boss. The Self who has favorites among our children. The Self who didn't get asked to the Senior Prom. Or picked in softball. Or proposed to or voted for or danced with at the wedding. The Self who dropped out of AA or Al-Anon or Weight Watchers or didn't show up for the last three therapy sessions because they were getting uncomfortably close. The Self that broke dishes on purpose or screamed at the spouse or stole from the poor box at the back of Church (or Synagogue or Mosque).


The Hidden Self who cheats on our taxes; doesn't pay parking tickets; leaves lousy tips for the waitress because we don't care for the way she looks. The Self who flirts when our partner isn't at the party; who kicks the dog when we've had a lousy day and the dog doesn't get out of our way fast enough; the Self who doesn't recycle when nobody's around to notice; the Self who claims to be a Vegetarian but sneaks the odd cheeseburger out on the road; who pretends to "forget" to clean the cat litter box or take out the garbage or put  toilet paper on the bathroom roll when we use the last sheet.


The Secret Self who hits our spouse or yells at our parents or cringes when our date uses improper English. The Unloveable Self that has acne or body odor on a hot day or stains our undies or farts when bending over to tie our shoes. The Unforgiveable Self that has an abortion or lies about HIV status or being married. The Self that nobody can stand when drinking or using or depressed and withdrawing into a stinking black hole of despair.


Or maybe these people whom we can't seem to be released from are the Doppleganger of the Self who talks too loudly at parties or in the middle of movies or steals parking spaces right in front of everyone else? Or they are selfish and crude and thinking only of how everything affects THEM and uncaring about how their actions completely control, rule and obliterate the lives of those around them--and when they turn up the volume, they are speaking in OUR VOICES?  Their faces are masks of OUR FACES!


When Pema Chodron and other Buddhist teachers talk about being grateful, they are speaking about being most grateful to those who are the hardest to love--because those people are closest to the qualities in ourselves that we find hardest to love. (OMG!)
Our parents.
Our kids.
Our teachers.
Our protégés.
Our classmates.
Our rivals.
Our spouses.
Our partners.
Our clergy.
Our congregation.
Our families.
Our siblings...


Ourselves.


Embrace those people, if only metaphorically (at the start) because they touch those raw places that need to be touched. That need to be opened to the fresh air. In order to bring in oxygen and light. In order to heal--even as it is so painful.
And it is: painful.


Each moment is a chance to learn Ourselves. To free Ourselves. And then, to move forward, constantly evolving, constantly perfecting, constantly growing.
Reaching out, even as we reach in.


Namaste.