One of the first things I noticed when joining any kind of support group was that ultimately, everybody became jealous. Jealous! If it wasn't "who is progressing fastest ?", it was "who got asked out to coffee this week ?" or, "who is the FAVORITE of the group leader?" Or even, "who bakes the best cookies to share?". (Seriously!)
Occasionally, it came down to "who drove the best car in the parking lot" or, "whose kid had the highest GPA"... Sometimes, it was about rival soccer teams, or dance competitions, or hair-stylists. Once, it was about the quality of "chips" at various 12-Step programs--which ones to attend for the best "bling" factor...and how a few people "missed out" by not attending THOSE meetings...
I guess I am most surprised when jealousy raises it's ugly head in the middle of a spiritual group. Whether at choir practice or in Bible study, this seems a bit antithetical to the whole reason for attending. I've witnessed Wiccans whacking each other upside the head over assorted sleights, in the middle of a Solstice celebration. I've seen drum circles break up, over people with no rhythm, just looking for some companionship. I've watched spiritual "healing groups" tear each other apart, smiling while they were doing it, over whose home the birthday of the Group Leader should be celebrated in. Why?
What are we thinking when we argue about hats at a funeral, or the roast on a High Holy Day? Who are we hurting when we begin to question if we are even valued by the Leader? (Are we there for validation by "an expert"? Is that our sole purpose for attending?) Who sets us against each other in the first place? Where do we learn such motivation? Why do we fall into these mindsets?
When I came across the Buddhist teaching slogan about jealousy, I first thought: "Obvious." But (as is usual with these phrases), something began to melt my skepticism and allow the slogan to seep into a deeper consciousness.
I started questioning what exactly IS "being jealous" all about? When have I experienced it, beyond childhood? How does it mask itself in my daily life? Whom am I jealous of? (Why?) Where did I learn this feeling? How does it prevent me from accomplishing my goals? How does it stop me from loving--even myself? What outside factors conspire to create this burden inside me? What can I do to confront this situation? How do I own it? How do I manage it? Can it be "cured"?
To find that this is something insidious and pervasive in our culture (even spiritually) demands close scrutiny. I know that I've stopped reading many great book reviews because they make me confront my feelings of inadequacy as a writer. (Or more profoundly, as a PUBLISHED writer...) Until I began meditating on this, I had lost the real motivation which propelled me to write in the first place: communication. Sharing what I saw (and offering it up as another voice in the wonderful chorus of community voices on the planet)! It wasn't about "publication", or even numbers. It was about the creation of my vision-- and then offering it up, wherever it would go. It doesn't matter if another writer got a better book deal or won a more prestigious literary award or was called (in the press) the "voice of his generation" (MY generation...). There is room for all. It doesn't make me a better writer to stew about what is said about others. It also doesn't make me less of a writer.
Too often "the business" of what we do overtakes the "why" of what we do. That's so unfortunate. It's great to be able to support oneself doing what one loves--for sure--but to lose our dreams because of lack of monetary rewards--that's tragedy. Jealousy can contribute to our downfall. Measuring ourselves, constantly, against others, is self-destruction on a Big Scale.
It can also stop our hearts up as surely as any plaque. Jealousy can create false scenarios, false accusations, falsehoods in general, that destroy any hope of honest relationships. Jealousy can rip apart family life as surely as any tornado. Long simmering jealousy is a wildfire burning up anything in its path.
It begins with me.
Right here.
Now.
Inside.
I've got to be brave and own that before any support group can touch me.
Occasionally, it came down to "who drove the best car in the parking lot" or, "whose kid had the highest GPA"... Sometimes, it was about rival soccer teams, or dance competitions, or hair-stylists. Once, it was about the quality of "chips" at various 12-Step programs--which ones to attend for the best "bling" factor...and how a few people "missed out" by not attending THOSE meetings...
I guess I am most surprised when jealousy raises it's ugly head in the middle of a spiritual group. Whether at choir practice or in Bible study, this seems a bit antithetical to the whole reason for attending. I've witnessed Wiccans whacking each other upside the head over assorted sleights, in the middle of a Solstice celebration. I've seen drum circles break up, over people with no rhythm, just looking for some companionship. I've watched spiritual "healing groups" tear each other apart, smiling while they were doing it, over whose home the birthday of the Group Leader should be celebrated in. Why?
What are we thinking when we argue about hats at a funeral, or the roast on a High Holy Day? Who are we hurting when we begin to question if we are even valued by the Leader? (Are we there for validation by "an expert"? Is that our sole purpose for attending?) Who sets us against each other in the first place? Where do we learn such motivation? Why do we fall into these mindsets?
When I came across the Buddhist teaching slogan about jealousy, I first thought: "Obvious." But (as is usual with these phrases), something began to melt my skepticism and allow the slogan to seep into a deeper consciousness.
I started questioning what exactly IS "being jealous" all about? When have I experienced it, beyond childhood? How does it mask itself in my daily life? Whom am I jealous of? (Why?) Where did I learn this feeling? How does it prevent me from accomplishing my goals? How does it stop me from loving--even myself? What outside factors conspire to create this burden inside me? What can I do to confront this situation? How do I own it? How do I manage it? Can it be "cured"?
To find that this is something insidious and pervasive in our culture (even spiritually) demands close scrutiny. I know that I've stopped reading many great book reviews because they make me confront my feelings of inadequacy as a writer. (Or more profoundly, as a PUBLISHED writer...) Until I began meditating on this, I had lost the real motivation which propelled me to write in the first place: communication. Sharing what I saw (and offering it up as another voice in the wonderful chorus of community voices on the planet)! It wasn't about "publication", or even numbers. It was about the creation of my vision-- and then offering it up, wherever it would go. It doesn't matter if another writer got a better book deal or won a more prestigious literary award or was called (in the press) the "voice of his generation" (MY generation...). There is room for all. It doesn't make me a better writer to stew about what is said about others. It also doesn't make me less of a writer.
Too often "the business" of what we do overtakes the "why" of what we do. That's so unfortunate. It's great to be able to support oneself doing what one loves--for sure--but to lose our dreams because of lack of monetary rewards--that's tragedy. Jealousy can contribute to our downfall. Measuring ourselves, constantly, against others, is self-destruction on a Big Scale.
It can also stop our hearts up as surely as any plaque. Jealousy can create false scenarios, false accusations, falsehoods in general, that destroy any hope of honest relationships. Jealousy can rip apart family life as surely as any tornado. Long simmering jealousy is a wildfire burning up anything in its path.
It begins with me.
Right here.
Now.
Inside.
I've got to be brave and own that before any support group can touch me.
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