Mass bombings, vanishing children, lost or losing campaigns, the daily news, planetary pollution rates, continuing unemployment, religious wars--we don't have to look far to witness the agony of others. But what about those times when we actually seek out the pain of our neighbors? Rejoice in the suffering of ex-friends, lost lovers, rivals at work? What then?
There is a Buddhist teaching which suggest that we "Don't seek others' pain as limbs of our own happiness".
Boom! Another direct hit in my third eye! Ouch.
How often have I slipped into that crevice? Smirking (inside), when someone I have a long grown "issue" with, falls down on their face? Someone who "did me wrong" gets a public flogging, or is caught in another duplicitous situation, exposing them for who I always knew they were? Hmmmm.
Or, even on a minor level, what about when I feel a tiny ripple of satisfaction when a family member is proven wrong about an issue we have argued over? Why does my heart allow such petty emotions? My own happiness is hardly pure when it is watered down with the bitter failure of another, and yet, I do find myself secretly responding.
Gossip is like this, too. How often have I found out a juicy "tidbit" about a long-ago rival, only to pass on the negative news, even if I haven't fully investigated the story? Why does the "fall-down" delight me? The person isn't currently in my life--has no effect on any outcome of any endeavor I'm invested in--probably never thinks of me at all. Yet, my mind is still "hung up" on a long-ago hurt. My pride won't allow me to budge--to let go or seek out a smoothing of that hurtful event. Why? Even as I abhor injustice, torture, inequality, racism, ageism, looksism, homophobia, etc. I still am tickled (inside) when someone who has sleighted me socially, doesn't get the new job, or the new posting, or the great review. I can mourn the death of a friend's child or a co-worker's beloved pet yet still delight when someone I haven't seen in a decade but who unfriended me, loses a bid for office.
Why am I so petty and yet so sincere at the same time?
Because I am human.
As a twenty-first century human, it is easy to be aware of global horror. It is upfront, illustrated, photographed, given a sound track and pushed into our face almost every second. Even if I don't want to look, every place I glance, the reality of suffering is there. However, the personal and petty dealings of my own past are locked away. I am taught there is no time to truly examine those pains. I hear that I should simply "push those past hurts out of your mind and focus on the positive, on the future, on building a better dream". That's the problem. It's all a dream. And if I want to wake up to the reality, I must deal, first, with those secret dark corners of my own heart. I have to be the one who chooses to turn on the lights.
I have to be willing to walk into the shadows of my own soul and find what I've tried to hide. If secretly delighting in others' pain in hopes of increasing my own happiness or self-worth is part of that discovery, then I guess I must own it. Dust it off. Pull it out of the corner and examine it in the middle of the room. Only by "understanding" what it is and where it came from can I ferret out why I have chosen to hold on to it. Why have I kept it secreted in the black void, at all?
I am a human being in this life. I am experiencing all that means. Owning my shadow-self and discovering what answers it holds for my complete understanding is part of this journey. All the slimey, slippery, ugly little bits hold clues--even as the glorious golden ones do. Accepting all and uncovering everything is the challenge.
There is a Buddhist teaching which suggest that we "Don't seek others' pain as limbs of our own happiness".
Boom! Another direct hit in my third eye! Ouch.
How often have I slipped into that crevice? Smirking (inside), when someone I have a long grown "issue" with, falls down on their face? Someone who "did me wrong" gets a public flogging, or is caught in another duplicitous situation, exposing them for who I always knew they were? Hmmmm.
Or, even on a minor level, what about when I feel a tiny ripple of satisfaction when a family member is proven wrong about an issue we have argued over? Why does my heart allow such petty emotions? My own happiness is hardly pure when it is watered down with the bitter failure of another, and yet, I do find myself secretly responding.
Gossip is like this, too. How often have I found out a juicy "tidbit" about a long-ago rival, only to pass on the negative news, even if I haven't fully investigated the story? Why does the "fall-down" delight me? The person isn't currently in my life--has no effect on any outcome of any endeavor I'm invested in--probably never thinks of me at all. Yet, my mind is still "hung up" on a long-ago hurt. My pride won't allow me to budge--to let go or seek out a smoothing of that hurtful event. Why? Even as I abhor injustice, torture, inequality, racism, ageism, looksism, homophobia, etc. I still am tickled (inside) when someone who has sleighted me socially, doesn't get the new job, or the new posting, or the great review. I can mourn the death of a friend's child or a co-worker's beloved pet yet still delight when someone I haven't seen in a decade but who unfriended me, loses a bid for office.
Why am I so petty and yet so sincere at the same time?
Because I am human.
As a twenty-first century human, it is easy to be aware of global horror. It is upfront, illustrated, photographed, given a sound track and pushed into our face almost every second. Even if I don't want to look, every place I glance, the reality of suffering is there. However, the personal and petty dealings of my own past are locked away. I am taught there is no time to truly examine those pains. I hear that I should simply "push those past hurts out of your mind and focus on the positive, on the future, on building a better dream". That's the problem. It's all a dream. And if I want to wake up to the reality, I must deal, first, with those secret dark corners of my own heart. I have to be the one who chooses to turn on the lights.
I have to be willing to walk into the shadows of my own soul and find what I've tried to hide. If secretly delighting in others' pain in hopes of increasing my own happiness or self-worth is part of that discovery, then I guess I must own it. Dust it off. Pull it out of the corner and examine it in the middle of the room. Only by "understanding" what it is and where it came from can I ferret out why I have chosen to hold on to it. Why have I kept it secreted in the black void, at all?
I am a human being in this life. I am experiencing all that means. Owning my shadow-self and discovering what answers it holds for my complete understanding is part of this journey. All the slimey, slippery, ugly little bits hold clues--even as the glorious golden ones do. Accepting all and uncovering everything is the challenge.
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