How to not bring things to a "painful point" in this pain-filled world of ours?
Yeah, yeah, there is much beauty all around and things to delight the senses and even things to calm the heart--if we take the time to look. But, just when we are feeling really, really good and even successful--or we feel we at least have a handle on our place in the Multi-verse, BOOM! Someone comes along and just blows up our good karma!
Buddhist teachers suggest it is because we are so filled with our own pain that we allow the foibles of others to rock us out of our "seat" (and out of our heads). Some, like Pema Chodron, suggest it is because we "haven't made friends with ourselves", let alone the person who is causing us to blow up.
Hmmm.
She also suggests that we take a closer look at what is causing our own, separate pain--before the other person pissed us off. What is the powder keg--not just who strikes the match...Who filled the powder keg and sat atop it, just waiting for a spark? (What is it filled with? Current problems, upsets, "issues"? Past failures, guilt or trauma? Childhood events we just can't let go?) If we know what we are sitting on and how dangerous those contents are, we can either empty the keg before someone lights a match or at least get off ! Examining our lives gives us a chance to do exactly that. Breathe. Turn over. Examine. Let go. All steps of emptying the combustibles. Then, no one can make us explode.
If we don't get to the point of explosion, then we don't get to the point of lashing out--even defensively. We don't want to "humiliate" the other person--nor cause them "as much suffering as they caused us". If we take time to track them down and talk with them, maybe, just maybe, we can explain why whatever has been said (or done) is causing discomfort. If we get to talk with them about the situation, calmly, with understanding of ourselves as the jumping off point, maybe we won't resort to humiliating them or taking them "out".
A friend just shared a situation where she had been having an on-going frustration with someone in the apartment near her whose loud lifestyle was totally deconstructing her work towards finishing her thesis. She shared all of her anger, frustration, upset but she shared it publically, on Facebook, and other social media. I don't know if this was just "venting" or if she hoped the errant neighbor might figure out she was talking about their living situation. Suddenly, one day, ready to pound the neighbor, she knocked on the door, instead. No one even home, though the bass was loud enough to cross the building and make the pictures on her walls bounce!
Looking out the window, she saw the neighbor, in his driveway, working on his vintage car. Having had enough pain and approaching the deadline of the thesis, she got up her outrage and marched out of the building, to confront the guy. He totally forgot he left the music on in the apartment! He was clueless his lifestyle was so loud--or that he was upsetting anybody. NO ONE had told him. Then, not only did he rectify the volume issue, he came back and wished her "good luck" on finishing the thesis! She was so shocked she posted the update in social media. Wow.
The point is, we don't have to humiliate anybody in retaliation. Especially in an argument or situation where we are magnifying the issues because of not understanding our own discomfort's roots. Not understanding (or owning or befriending)our own pain. Wow, redux.
Meditation gives us a chance of exploring those darkened corners. A process, as all of these learning slogans are, but one that works. All we have to do is try--and then, try some more.
Yeah, yeah, there is much beauty all around and things to delight the senses and even things to calm the heart--if we take the time to look. But, just when we are feeling really, really good and even successful--or we feel we at least have a handle on our place in the Multi-verse, BOOM! Someone comes along and just blows up our good karma!
Buddhist teachers suggest it is because we are so filled with our own pain that we allow the foibles of others to rock us out of our "seat" (and out of our heads). Some, like Pema Chodron, suggest it is because we "haven't made friends with ourselves", let alone the person who is causing us to blow up.
Hmmm.
She also suggests that we take a closer look at what is causing our own, separate pain--before the other person pissed us off. What is the powder keg--not just who strikes the match...Who filled the powder keg and sat atop it, just waiting for a spark? (What is it filled with? Current problems, upsets, "issues"? Past failures, guilt or trauma? Childhood events we just can't let go?) If we know what we are sitting on and how dangerous those contents are, we can either empty the keg before someone lights a match or at least get off ! Examining our lives gives us a chance to do exactly that. Breathe. Turn over. Examine. Let go. All steps of emptying the combustibles. Then, no one can make us explode.
If we don't get to the point of explosion, then we don't get to the point of lashing out--even defensively. We don't want to "humiliate" the other person--nor cause them "as much suffering as they caused us". If we take time to track them down and talk with them, maybe, just maybe, we can explain why whatever has been said (or done) is causing discomfort. If we get to talk with them about the situation, calmly, with understanding of ourselves as the jumping off point, maybe we won't resort to humiliating them or taking them "out".
A friend just shared a situation where she had been having an on-going frustration with someone in the apartment near her whose loud lifestyle was totally deconstructing her work towards finishing her thesis. She shared all of her anger, frustration, upset but she shared it publically, on Facebook, and other social media. I don't know if this was just "venting" or if she hoped the errant neighbor might figure out she was talking about their living situation. Suddenly, one day, ready to pound the neighbor, she knocked on the door, instead. No one even home, though the bass was loud enough to cross the building and make the pictures on her walls bounce!
Looking out the window, she saw the neighbor, in his driveway, working on his vintage car. Having had enough pain and approaching the deadline of the thesis, she got up her outrage and marched out of the building, to confront the guy. He totally forgot he left the music on in the apartment! He was clueless his lifestyle was so loud--or that he was upsetting anybody. NO ONE had told him. Then, not only did he rectify the volume issue, he came back and wished her "good luck" on finishing the thesis! She was so shocked she posted the update in social media. Wow.
The point is, we don't have to humiliate anybody in retaliation. Especially in an argument or situation where we are magnifying the issues because of not understanding our own discomfort's roots. Not understanding (or owning or befriending)our own pain. Wow, redux.
Meditation gives us a chance of exploring those darkened corners. A process, as all of these learning slogans are, but one that works. All we have to do is try--and then, try some more.
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