Call me a Luddite, but it seems to be an oxymoron: Internet Dating. I mean, isn't a date a social interaction, in the flesh, where you and someone physically go someplace and engage in an activity? If Internet connections count as a "date", then, every e-mail I send, or any type of game interface I do, would be a technical "date" in cyberspace, right? (Extending that thought, would animated characters I engage with, in a game, be considered "dates"--at least in digital worlds? (I won't even get into sexual politics...).
My friends, all well-meaning, (every time I've been single, or between relationships), suggest cyber hook-ups as a cure-all to the blues.
"Minns, if not just eye-candy, go for a service that matches you according to your interests and a psychological profile! There's six or seven billion people on the planet--there's got to be someone you are attracted to!"
How often have I had this argument tossed at me? Okay,I will admit, I did fall into the trap, at least once (or twice...). Always, in the end, it seemed that I'd wake up one morning and feel sick to my stomach--without ever having been in the same room, at least the same physical room, as the person I was "dating". Too many unanswered questions would arise--was the person lying? That was always number one. (Is the photo really them? If it is, WHEN was it taken? What has transpired in their lives since that photo took place? WHO took the photo? Which one of the people in the group is really the person I'm communicating with?)
I mean, since Cyreno started writing letters for his friends, people have attempted to hoodwink others into falling for them. How many Shakespearean characters use this ruse? Even the Greeks are dishonest--whether it is the number of enemies vanquished, the number of slaves owned, the size of the palace (or anything esle, for that matter), the laurels accumulated--fibs are ways we manipulate each other. Cyber-connections are rife for that. (I'm not even talking about stalkers and pedophiles...)
Masking who we really are seems to be a historical keystone of the human race.
There is also Photo-shop, make-up, prosethetics, lighting and camera angles, etc. to consider. (I have a Californian friend who showed up for a date after corresponding with a guy for months, only to find a paraplegic in a wheel-chair, who needed a nurse's aide for his oxygen, waiting for her on the edge of Santa Monica pier. Never once had he mentioned his physical challenges--or that they would always need a "chaperone" in attendance--or that he couldn't feed himself solid food. Would it have changed her response when he asked her out to the beach? Perhaps. The point is, however, that we deserve to make these dating choices for ourselves, based on reality. By manipulating reality, he took away her choice. (He also squashed his date: she saw him waiting for her, rose in his lap, nurse by his side, on the appointed hour, and she crossed the street, running...) Neither ever contacted the other, again.
Then, there is the endless parade of people who send in pet photos instead of head shots. What does that mean? "I am a dog." (That's my first interpretation.) "I am looking for a person who resembles my dog." (That's my second choice.) "I can only relate to canines...if you are a cat lover, don't contact me." Or, how about the message that: "You will have to also date my dog." "I am already in a relationship--with my dog--you will take second place, always." I could go on and on. What are folks thinking? (The same misunderstanding, on my part, is attached to head shots of horses, cats, motorcycles, cartoon characters and tattoos.) Body parts are also weird. (I don't date parts of human bodies...ever...)
When it comes to match sites that seek to pair you up according to your interests and values...how many Liberals are there in the world? How many fans of "The Hunger"? How many people pray? Or kayak? Or listen to "Annie Lennox"? These are hardly in-depth, profile points...(How many people stretch the truth on those questions, anyway? I mean, who is going to answer "yes" to a question that asks if you steal? Or hoard? Or lie?)
Of course, the biggest question in America is the question we all face as we log into a dating site, looking for "love": who is desperate enough to go on these sites? Why aren't they already in a real relationship? This is question we are asking ourselves, about ourselves, as we zoom through a thousand "profiles" with Annie Lennox blaring in the background...Who are WE? Why aren't WE paired up? (Who would ever choose Me??)
There are success stories. Or, sort- of- success stories. (Or, they started out successfully...) But, like fifty-one percent of all American marriages, most end up re-posting, down the line. When friends tell me they've found "The One", and then add the tag: "We met on-line", I can't help but freeze my best smile into place; reminding myself that I must not judge; I am working on becoming a non-judgmental human being; only God judges; "judge not lest you be judged"; etc. I take lots of tiny sips of whatever I'm drinking; or lots of tiny bites of whatever I'm munching. I chant in my head, and wish for the best, and send angels and elementals and Light to surround my friend. But, honestly, my heart sinks.
We are human. We are flesh. It is written in almost every holy book: we aren't meant to be alone. I think that means we are meant to interact in physical reality. Perhaps we are really just energy and light. But, on this plane, in this dimension, that energy and light has taken a concrete form. However painful (at times) or complex and unknowable it is. We are. Cyberspace is another way to connect for a while; it can offer a path toward or a bridge to, but it isn't a real meeting for a fully realized human romance. Not really. For that, we need touch. Face to fleshly face. That's scary.
So, what's a body to do?
Keep the heart open wide. Be prepared to take a plunge, if the person enters one's real-life. Date in the third dimension; spend time in the same place; the same room. Share more than video-games and e-mail. Feed each other; take in each other's scents. Take a walk or a drive or a sail. Visit the woods or the beach or the mountains. (Stay out of the desert...) Sing to each other. Tell stories. Hold hands. Really kiss. Explore dislikes as well as likes. Be honest. Talk. Listen. Argue. Share. Be kind. Get to know the whole human before taking the long-term plunge.
Save Skype for when you are apart.
My friends, all well-meaning, (every time I've been single, or between relationships), suggest cyber hook-ups as a cure-all to the blues.
"Minns, if not just eye-candy, go for a service that matches you according to your interests and a psychological profile! There's six or seven billion people on the planet--there's got to be someone you are attracted to!"
How often have I had this argument tossed at me? Okay,I will admit, I did fall into the trap, at least once (or twice...). Always, in the end, it seemed that I'd wake up one morning and feel sick to my stomach--without ever having been in the same room, at least the same physical room, as the person I was "dating". Too many unanswered questions would arise--was the person lying? That was always number one. (Is the photo really them? If it is, WHEN was it taken? What has transpired in their lives since that photo took place? WHO took the photo? Which one of the people in the group is really the person I'm communicating with?)
I mean, since Cyreno started writing letters for his friends, people have attempted to hoodwink others into falling for them. How many Shakespearean characters use this ruse? Even the Greeks are dishonest--whether it is the number of enemies vanquished, the number of slaves owned, the size of the palace (or anything esle, for that matter), the laurels accumulated--fibs are ways we manipulate each other. Cyber-connections are rife for that. (I'm not even talking about stalkers and pedophiles...)
Masking who we really are seems to be a historical keystone of the human race.
There is also Photo-shop, make-up, prosethetics, lighting and camera angles, etc. to consider. (I have a Californian friend who showed up for a date after corresponding with a guy for months, only to find a paraplegic in a wheel-chair, who needed a nurse's aide for his oxygen, waiting for her on the edge of Santa Monica pier. Never once had he mentioned his physical challenges--or that they would always need a "chaperone" in attendance--or that he couldn't feed himself solid food. Would it have changed her response when he asked her out to the beach? Perhaps. The point is, however, that we deserve to make these dating choices for ourselves, based on reality. By manipulating reality, he took away her choice. (He also squashed his date: she saw him waiting for her, rose in his lap, nurse by his side, on the appointed hour, and she crossed the street, running...) Neither ever contacted the other, again.
Then, there is the endless parade of people who send in pet photos instead of head shots. What does that mean? "I am a dog." (That's my first interpretation.) "I am looking for a person who resembles my dog." (That's my second choice.) "I can only relate to canines...if you are a cat lover, don't contact me." Or, how about the message that: "You will have to also date my dog." "I am already in a relationship--with my dog--you will take second place, always." I could go on and on. What are folks thinking? (The same misunderstanding, on my part, is attached to head shots of horses, cats, motorcycles, cartoon characters and tattoos.) Body parts are also weird. (I don't date parts of human bodies...ever...)
When it comes to match sites that seek to pair you up according to your interests and values...how many Liberals are there in the world? How many fans of "The Hunger"? How many people pray? Or kayak? Or listen to "Annie Lennox"? These are hardly in-depth, profile points...(How many people stretch the truth on those questions, anyway? I mean, who is going to answer "yes" to a question that asks if you steal? Or hoard? Or lie?)
Of course, the biggest question in America is the question we all face as we log into a dating site, looking for "love": who is desperate enough to go on these sites? Why aren't they already in a real relationship? This is question we are asking ourselves, about ourselves, as we zoom through a thousand "profiles" with Annie Lennox blaring in the background...Who are WE? Why aren't WE paired up? (Who would ever choose Me??)
There are success stories. Or, sort- of- success stories. (Or, they started out successfully...) But, like fifty-one percent of all American marriages, most end up re-posting, down the line. When friends tell me they've found "The One", and then add the tag: "We met on-line", I can't help but freeze my best smile into place; reminding myself that I must not judge; I am working on becoming a non-judgmental human being; only God judges; "judge not lest you be judged"; etc. I take lots of tiny sips of whatever I'm drinking; or lots of tiny bites of whatever I'm munching. I chant in my head, and wish for the best, and send angels and elementals and Light to surround my friend. But, honestly, my heart sinks.
We are human. We are flesh. It is written in almost every holy book: we aren't meant to be alone. I think that means we are meant to interact in physical reality. Perhaps we are really just energy and light. But, on this plane, in this dimension, that energy and light has taken a concrete form. However painful (at times) or complex and unknowable it is. We are. Cyberspace is another way to connect for a while; it can offer a path toward or a bridge to, but it isn't a real meeting for a fully realized human romance. Not really. For that, we need touch. Face to fleshly face. That's scary.
So, what's a body to do?
Keep the heart open wide. Be prepared to take a plunge, if the person enters one's real-life. Date in the third dimension; spend time in the same place; the same room. Share more than video-games and e-mail. Feed each other; take in each other's scents. Take a walk or a drive or a sail. Visit the woods or the beach or the mountains. (Stay out of the desert...) Sing to each other. Tell stories. Hold hands. Really kiss. Explore dislikes as well as likes. Be honest. Talk. Listen. Argue. Share. Be kind. Get to know the whole human before taking the long-term plunge.
Save Skype for when you are apart.
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