SENDING AND TAKING: begin here

The Lojong slogans suggest that the practice of sending out kindness, healing, light, peace, happiness, etc. begins where you begin. With yourself. (On the sofa. Behind the wheel. In line at the grocery store. In the shower. On your butt,meditating, even for the first time.)  So too, the taking in of all that is ugly, painful, messy, smelly and unloveable: begin where you stand/sit. Now.( Not later. Not after dinner. Not before bed. Not when you get home from the gym.) Now. On the spot.




Using your breath as the pathway, just begin. In breath: take in the bad stuff--the ripe stuff--the stuff you are most embarrassed by in yourself. Choose one trait, quality or circumstance  you wish you didn't have to deal with. Breathe it in. Remember how it felt; examine the details; really look at the you of you as you engage in that noxious behavior. (It might be losing your cool over something unimportant; it might be raging against Society; it might be hating the person who demands you take out the trash at this second! It might be eating that piece of cheesecake at 2 a.m. or drinking the last half-glass of wine in the bottle...or rolling that extra big blunt before anyone noticed...) Any addictive behavior you haven't been able to snap; any aggressive actions you couldn't control; anything negative or hateful in yourself--just, for a moment, on the in-breath, take it in.




The trick is not to hold it and push it down, unexamined, away, hidden. That strategy can cause all sorts of serious consequences--maybe even cancer! (No place for repression in Buddhist strategy! )Bringing to light all things is where we begin. So, after  you "take it in" (visualize it and breathe in), then, let it go.




Just let it go.


Breathe it out and send peace to yourself. You. The heinous, unlovable, addicted perpetrator. (Yourself.) Breathe out all peace, joy, light, happiness and healing to yourself.


 Two breaths.


In and out. Nothing held down. Nothing repressed. No lectures no expectations no promises of "change"--just an acceptance of what occurs; an examination of how it feels/felt when it occurs; and a letting go. Then, on that out-breath, a blessing: to the Unloved One. (You.)




Waiting in line to buy movie tickets. Pumping gas. During the commercials while watching t.v. Popping corn. Just breathe. (If you were into Zen, it might be a bit different. In Zen, you are supposed to be paying attention with total concentration on pumping the gas, sweeping the floor, popping the corn, etc.) But we aren't following those instructions, here. Right now, we are practicing "baby Tonglen"--first step breathing--Beginner's Mind breath.


In: all the bad stuff.
Out: blessings to the perpetrators. Healing to the hoarders of negativity: ourselves.



Later, when one makes the commitment to seriously sit and meditate, there are a few other "steps". Some more examinations of all those "monkey mind thoughts" that crop up when we are trying to pay attention to our breath...(just call them what they are: thinking...let them go off into the trees with the rest...back to sitting and watching the breath...) Then, using the Tonglen practice to extend it to others going through their own hellish experiences.




In breath: I take in all the pain of those whose lovers/spouses/partners have left them.
Out breath: I send them healing; I send them peace; I send them an end to the pain of loss.




If you practice this long enough and hard enough you get to a place of ALSO taking in the guilt and pain of those who were the  betrayers-- sending THEM a blessing for their own healing. But that's down the line. First baby-steps: heal yourself.


Why? Because, as we practice this breathing-blessing, we are doing it for our own selves. When we create kindness in the world, we create it in ourselves. When we practice peacefulness in the world, we bring peacefulness to ourselves. Science has proven that all things, all people are connected in this Web of Life, right? So, too, the practice of blessing/healing. So, heal yourself, first. Then, extend it to those you love. Continue, as you progress down the path, to those who have done you "wrong" or offer you the most "lessons" or that you downright despise! Tonglen covers us all.




Does meditation change us overnight? Does it make us better people? Does it radicalize the way we walk through the world? Will we speak more softly? Will be dress more simply? Will we give up all of our worldly attachments? Stop voting? Stop driving? Go vegetarian?




Maybe. Maybe not. Since it is a PROCESS that holds, at its center, TRANSFORMATION, things will change. (But, things are always changing.) Isn't that the point? For each practitioner, the journey will be unique. (The ancient texts promise that we all have it inside of us, already.) Perfection. Peace. Everything we need. We have just fallen asleep, or forgotten. Meditation is a way to finally wake up to this reality. To understand. Meditation is a lifelong process. It isn't about being someone you aren't. It is about accepting, loving and living inside yourself, as you really are-- awake from this dream.




Tonglen is a way of making space, to discover these facts. Of letting go of the guilt, the aggression, the judgmental qualities most of us carry, creating our own hells. It is also a way of engaging the healing power (spiritual) we all are carrying, unaware. It is a way of not getting overcome with the illusions of Evil that bombard us, everyday. It is a way of doing something that is positive, when we are feeling most lost, most scared, most negative. Using our most essential gift--our breath--as the path into that peaceful state.(Our breath, which is always accessible, which is our birthright and our clearest marker of LIFE.)


It is a way of helping ourselves, first, because, only then, can we reach out to others, unselfishly. Whole heartedly. Cleanly. Without expectations. Without the need for laurels or any kind of rewards. Without making "the other" the enemy.(Or reducing "the other" to someone "less than" ourselves...)Imagine if all teachers, all social workers, all cops, all doctors and nurses and firefighters and soldiers, all  psychiatrists and counselors, ALL LAWYERS practiced this breath-healing! What a different world it might be. (All religious, all politicos, all artists, all parents...) 




I believe this stuff, because it has begun to help me survive in unfamiliar situations and on unsteady ground. Not all at once. But, bit by bit. Constant.(Like breathing.) It has helped me slow down and pause, if only for a second, if only incompletely-- to begin to take that moment to change my reaction, just a bit. Or, to examine that feeling. Through this magnifying glass, I can begin to see how I react and why I react and choose to react in a different way. That choice begins to change me--and maybe the world--for the better.




Hey, what do I know?
The only way you will know is to try it for yourself...
(What's to lose, in line, at Wal-Mart? Eh?)    

BE GRATEFUL TO EVERYONE

When you've met your match, you've found a Teacher. The more irritated, upset, frustrated, angry and hopeless you feel towards that person, the greater the chance of finding a real Truth in yourself. Not a basic "Kumbaya" camp song truth. Not a masochistic "hit me again" truth. Not even (perhaps) a "Jesus" truth. But a Truth about your own heart: pay attention to this irritating, maddening feeling; pay attention to this person who causes to rise this feeling. This is the Truth of your own hate for yourself.


That's the Big One.
The truest Teacher is the one who holds the mirror to our faces and forces us to confront ourselves.
Not to hide behind false laurels. Not to ease into pats-on-the-back. But to honestly face the reflection of our hidden sides--the sides we secretly hate. The Fat Self. The Aging Self. The Selfish Self. The Self who secretly despises our co-workers or boss. The Self who has favorites among our children. The Self who didn't get asked to the Senior Prom. Or picked in softball. Or proposed to or voted for or danced with at the wedding. The Self who dropped out of AA or Al-Anon or Weight Watchers or didn't show up for the last three therapy sessions because they were getting uncomfortably close. The Self that broke dishes on purpose or screamed at the spouse or stole from the poor box at the back of Church (or Synagogue or Mosque).


The Hidden Self who cheats on our taxes; doesn't pay parking tickets; leaves lousy tips for the waitress because we don't care for the way she looks. The Self who flirts when our partner isn't at the party; who kicks the dog when we've had a lousy day and the dog doesn't get out of our way fast enough; the Self who doesn't recycle when nobody's around to notice; the Self who claims to be a Vegetarian but sneaks the odd cheeseburger out on the road; who pretends to "forget" to clean the cat litter box or take out the garbage or put  toilet paper on the bathroom roll when we use the last sheet.


The Secret Self who hits our spouse or yells at our parents or cringes when our date uses improper English. The Unloveable Self that has acne or body odor on a hot day or stains our undies or farts when bending over to tie our shoes. The Unforgiveable Self that has an abortion or lies about HIV status or being married. The Self that nobody can stand when drinking or using or depressed and withdrawing into a stinking black hole of despair.


Or maybe these people whom we can't seem to be released from are the Doppleganger of the Self who talks too loudly at parties or in the middle of movies or steals parking spaces right in front of everyone else? Or they are selfish and crude and thinking only of how everything affects THEM and uncaring about how their actions completely control, rule and obliterate the lives of those around them--and when they turn up the volume, they are speaking in OUR VOICES?  Their faces are masks of OUR FACES!


When Pema Chodron and other Buddhist teachers talk about being grateful, they are speaking about being most grateful to those who are the hardest to love--because those people are closest to the qualities in ourselves that we find hardest to love. (OMG!)
Our parents.
Our kids.
Our teachers.
Our protégés.
Our classmates.
Our rivals.
Our spouses.
Our partners.
Our clergy.
Our congregation.
Our families.
Our siblings...


Ourselves.


Embrace those people, if only metaphorically (at the start) because they touch those raw places that need to be touched. That need to be opened to the fresh air. In order to bring in oxygen and light. In order to heal--even as it is so painful.
And it is: painful.


Each moment is a chance to learn Ourselves. To free Ourselves. And then, to move forward, constantly evolving, constantly perfecting, constantly growing.
Reaching out, even as we reach in.


Namaste.   

RESENTMENT

It is suggested, by compassionate Buddhists, to always meditate on that which provokes resentment.
Always.
Okay, let's make a list, tonight:
Multiple snowstorms at two day intervals with no chance of melting coming between.
No free parking spaces in the city--any city.
Potholes.
Potholes filled with water and slush that don't seem to be potholes until you run over them.
Street salt, used in snowy places during winter, and its result on steel and iron car parts.
Rust. Anywhere. Any kind. Any time.
The need for batteries.
The need for gasoline.
The need for oil.
The need for taxes.
The need for speed.
The loss of the publishing industry I've spent my entire life aspiring/training/getting educated to work for.
Break-ups.
Traffic jams.
Killer storms.
War. Any and all war.
AIDS.
Cancers other than AIDS.
Child abuse of all kinds.
Animal abuse of all kinds.
Slavery.
Unkindness.
Poverty.
Hunger.
Crassness.
Stupidity.
Insensitivity.
Cruelty.
Ignorance.
Impatience.
Violence.
Hopelessness.
Boredom.
Intolerance.
Bigotry.
Not knowing nor understanding the true history of this planet.
Always feeling like a stranger.
Obsession with body image and materialism.
False control.
Addictions.
Health care inequalities across the planet.
Pollution.
Those who speak for "God".
Those who interpret "God".
Those who claim "God" only for the chosen few.
Searching for God and often not feeling "searched for" by God.
Not understanding the need for death nor the optimum way to approach it.
Not being able to fly.
The times in life when I've felt most alone.
Fear in all its forms.
Pain in all its stripes.
The mystery of who I really am and why I've manifested here.(What the hell am I supposed to do?)


Begin:
Breathe in all the resentments (or one); feel it, fully, examine it completely; breathe out blessings to all who share this trouble; the joy of its departure or understanding; freedom from its bite.


Repeat. 

VENEZUELA, WE ARE WATCHING!

As the Olympics melt on and snow glazes over everything in New England, yet again, somewhere, between the saturated images is the next horror story we aren't hearing about: what is going down in Venezuela. Most shocking is this lack of coverage or mention in the upfront news!


I know that citizen protesters are being gunned down in all sorts of hotspots on this planet of mayhem even as I type, tonight, but the Venezuela thing seems to be on the edge of something huge. I want to know and I want other people in this country to become educated because it seems our government has known what was about to happen for a while now and no one is reporting the story on the night-time news--or in any way that would begin to fill us in so we might begin our own websearch for some eyewitness citizen reporters!


Venezuela, if you are reading this, tonight, know, word is getting out and pictures are getting in, through social media and sideways, but many of us are beginning to get details of your battle. Keep sending the words and photos out. Many, many of us care and are alerting our officials that we want to know what the hell is going down and what is our national involvement in this ?   We want to know!  We will keep searching for the truth...you will be heard and hopefully, helped. 

ALBINO ALLIGATOR

Reflections of all:
Pure
Innocent
Unmarred:


Snowy.




White light  white knight  white hat  white house
white teeth  white hair.




White
owl   white rabbit   white lightning   white hot,


White Christmas;


White Sox
White flag
White wash: white   man.




Preferred couture:
KKK, and the Pope;


In some circles,
how we dress
for


death.




Karen Marie Christa Minns
winter, 2014

IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING EVERYTHING WE WANT

I am obsessed with snow, this winter. The weight of it on our roofs; our cars; our heads and our minds. I am obsessed with the shoveling of snow this winter: how the act doesn't seem to end; how the sky laughs, spitting in my face, covering my head, even as I try to remove its droppings; how it is an order and an expectation and always, always makes me feel guilty or resentful. (No matter how early I get up, sometimes even before the streetlights blink off--no matter how carefully I scrape and break up the icy mess--no matter how long it takes or how my bones protest--no matter that I am almost sixty and NOT sixteen--everything about being ordered to "go out and shovel"--and then criticized for whatever job I do doing it--bothers me.) Chodron suggests paying attention especially where our buttons get punched...this "chore" holds that promise.


It is not the bitter cold (I'd forgotten that that kind of cold is painful--not simply uncomfortable...) nor the exertion of the activity (I know how to do this without straining my back or getting a heart attack--I know how to bend my knees, use my legs, pace myself and risk embarrassment by saying "I can't do this" when it gets too much...)but it is the ceaseless inanity of the act. Even shoveling while the storm still dumps on my head--because my parents want the walks and porches cleaned off--right then--or do not trust that it can and will be done after the storm. That is inane. (Or their fear? Hmmm...) The never-ending cycle of storms spaced only days apart--and the geography of this city--high in what is now referred to as "the Worcester hills"--a city of seven hills, all tall enough to change our micro-climate and be recipients of the greatest winter storms each and every time. (I have stopped looking at weather maps, onscreen or off. Always, we are the most dramatic swipe of color. Always, the highest precipitation numbers in the state. Always.) So, too, the city plows push tons of compacted slush into all the driveways, every sweep of the street. No matter how effectively my brother snowblows or I chop ice, we are left with minimum of two feet of ice above the driveway proper--about five feet across and another three feet wide. In worse storms it gets higher, still. Over and over, into the following day, like some strange frozen tide. It is a  punch to the face beyond the slap of the storm. It causes deep resentment on top of the futility of trying to please my parents by getting out there, even as the storm rages, and pushing the white stuff away from the house.


So, I try tonglen when I shovel. I breathe in the futility and frustration and tears of barely suppressed rage that ripple through my muscles as I chop ice and shovel snow. I breathe out remembrances of spring. Of flooding streams and banked daffodils and baby hummingbirds I've known. I think of chopping wood and carrying water--the old Zen chestnuts--only here, they are acutely relevant and not simply metaphors. I breathe in the fear of my parents of growing older and death and darkness--even as they protest that they are "ready to go" and "not afraid" and "it's a better place we are going to" and who they will see "up there". I breathe in fear of my own questions: mainly: how to make a good exit?  When I breathe out, I throw the snow or ice chunks and try to bless everyone's death.


This has been the longest winter of my life.


Pema Chodron suggests that the point to all of this Buddhist Dharma study is to realize that it isn't about getting everything we want our way--it truly isn't. What it's about is empowerment of the self.
It's about shoveling snow.
It's about surviving winter.   

IN THE MIDST OF SORROW: LIGHTEN UP

The Tibetan texts call it: "Great bliss arising from the experience of  emptiness".


Pema Chodron, the great Tibetan lineage teacher, suggests that we just not take ourselves so seriously--or rather, not take this entire existence so heavily. We need to lighten our load and stop making such a big deal out of every little experience--all the failures, all the successes, the punishments and the pay-offs.


We need not to criticize ourselves so much. Not loath ourselves so much. Not slam our neighbors for doing or not doing what we would like them to do...or not do.


"Always maintaining a joyful mind" seems almost impossible (in a week that contains two suicides; one murder of a teen-ager I used to teach; one death of an eight year old student in the classroom--an accident just up the street from here; and the Olympics). So much drama. So much sadness. So much criticism and pomp.


Yet, realizing that everything CAN be used to wake up--to inhale the pain and exhale the joy--each and every minute--everything can be used to examine others' and our own sorrow--then, to bless ourselves and others and to send off the joy--holding on to neither. Realizing everything is in transition. (Every single thing.) Even as it feels interminable. Unalterable. Final. Breathe it in and out and let it go...realizing, it is already gone on its own.


Not to be desperate in grasping pleasure, or so worried at its departure, is another step towards lightening our loads. Being happy where we are--being happy in who we are--not needing to be anyone else-- is another radical departure from depression. Coming to understand that, often, it is not our circumstances but how we are relating to them, that causes the deepest wells of sorrow.


(Relate by breathing.)
Relate by watching the breath.
(Relate by sending the breath out, into the world, blessing all.)
Be present in the moment, even if you cannot be deliriously happy.
Be curious about this moment, even if  you are in the midst of sadness.
Chodron suggests, finally, to "do something different" to lighten the load: splash water on our faces; blow bubbles; whistle an opera; laugh out loud instead of sobbing; eat a peach; breathe mindfully.
Even once.